Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are not gay. They do not each think about the other whilst masturbating in the shower and they certainly don't arrange clandestine cow-herding trips to the Big Horn Mountains of Wyoming where they share a small tent and engage in a night of loud rutting sex before stumbling out the following morning to shuffle around awkwardly and mumble something about not being able to quit each other. I am as sure of this as I am that Lindsay Lohan will one day win an Academy Award for playing J. Edgar Hoover.
As proof of Pattinson and Lautner's unquestionable heterosexuality, we have the above photograph taken at this year's MTV Awards which, I'm sure you'll agree, oozes manliness like Paris Hilton's snatch oozes lumpy white pus.
Admittedly, I find Taylor Lautner about as sexy as Rush Limbaugh's liver-spotted scrotum. Having said that, I would happily have sold several members of my family into slavery for the opportunity of being Taylor's lips as he was publicly mouth-raped by Pattinson's frenzied tongue.
As proof of Pattinson and Lautner's unquestionable heterosexuality, we have the above photograph taken at this year's MTV Awards which, I'm sure you'll agree, oozes manliness like Paris Hilton's snatch oozes lumpy white pus.
Admittedly, I find Taylor Lautner about as sexy as Rush Limbaugh's liver-spotted scrotum. Having said that, I would happily have sold several members of my family into slavery for the opportunity of being Taylor's lips as he was publicly mouth-raped by Pattinson's frenzied tongue.
So once again, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are not gay.
Lesbian perhaps, but definitely NOT GAY!
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