Jedward Releases Own Currency, Forces Of Darkness Upon The Earth

Former X-Factor participants and current omens of the Apocalypse John and Edward Grimes have announced plans to launch their own currency. The twin antitheses of all things holy unleashed the coinage onto an unsuspecting world via their twitter page earlier today, immediately sending seismic fluctuations through international monetary markets and breaking open the final seal on the seventh layer of Hell.

He's Not Exactly A Handful Though, Is He?

Maroon V (or 5 of Five or however the hell they spell it) front man Adam Levine decided to strip-off in February's  edition of Cosmo magazine in aid of testicular cancer research. Which is nice of him I suppose. And if off-putting tats are your thing, then it's nice for you too. I, however, remain unimpressed. Not with Adam's noble sacrifice, you understand - after all it takes a certain amount of guts to reveal to the world that you have no discernible genitals. No, my objection lies not with the cause, but with the choice of advocate. I mean Adam's nice and all, but I'd much prefer to have seen this:

Coveted, Misshapen Glass Dildos Awarded To Glamorous, Much-Loved Celebrities and Demi Lovato.

The great and the drunk of LA-LA Land descended on the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles last night to pretend to be happy for being nominated for and/or receiving a cheap piece of perspex depicting a severed pair of human hands. The event, which has been given the moniker The 37th People's Choice Awards, honoured those very few amongst us who are beautiful, famous, have millions of dollars and own several luxurious properties dotted across the globe. Curiously, these people feel their lives would not be entirely complete without the acquisition of meaningless imitation-glass trophies, which in turn gives rise to tedious awards shows like the one mentioned above.

A full list of winners after the jump, plus a few I just made up out of sheer spite.

Jordan And Alex In Crisis - World Braces Self For Inevitable Reality Spin-Off Show

Noted talent-vacuum and silicone implant enthusiast Jordan Real Name Katie Price 32 (that's her actual full name if every tabloid in the land is to be believed) has stunned literally nobody by announcing that her sham totally legitimate marriage to goon-faced cage-fighter Alex Reid is on the rocks. The ridiculous bint purportedly told pals that she and Alex were embarking on a two week trial separation to "take stock" of their relationship and determine exactly "where their lives are going." I could save Jordan and Alex some valuable tan and pap time right here and now by telling them exactly where their lives are going - to the nearest satellite television channel desperate enough to give them another reality show so they can bore us all to death with every sordid detail of their split.