More Worthlessness

What would it look like if the single most useless bag of medical waste on the planet became impregnated by an egomaniacal rapper and his roving shlong? To find out the answer, just get hold of a picture of Kim Kardashian (I think there may be at least three on the Internet) and visualise her with a distended belly to match the distended ass, only with the bloat being caused by a kid instead of seventy pounds of cellulite, a dozen silicone implants, and countless lost sex-aids of the vibrating variety. That’s right: On this last day of twenty twelve, Earth’s most venal reality whore finds herself with child thanks to the seed of her partner in smugness, one Kanye West. I’m not quite sure what I felt upon hearing this particular piece of news; it was definitely a mixture of revulsion and something else. Horror? Dry retching? A feeling of hopelessness in the face of almost certain doom? All of the above? Yeah, it was all of the above.

Here’s what the steatopygic slag’s sister Kourtney had to say about the impending birth:

Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!

A typically vomitous Kardashian response, there. Tell me Kim, was the conception caught on tape as well? Cause you know the birth is gonna be splashed all over E! when the big day arrives, so it might be nice to, you know, show the viewers a “before and after” perspective. A fine way to bookend the pregnancy, no?

Dakota Fanning is One Scary Looking Bitch.

OH MY GOD IT CAN SEE INTO MY VERY SOUL IN WHICH CASE I HOPE MY SOUL IS WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER NOW BECAUSE MY SOUL HAS JUST SHAT ITSELF IN ABJECT TERROR!!!

The fragrant and not at all overrated Dakota Fanning sashayed her way through the streets of London last night whilst promoting her new flick Now Is Good. Dakota, wearing something resembling a trail of Liberace’s congealed vomit, was kind enough to not vaporize everyone in attendance with her death-glare until after the assembled photogs had snapped their pics. Is it just me, or has the charming Ms. Fanning firmly wrenched the poor-little-pissed-off-starlet baton firmly from the bony fingers of a certain Keira Knightley? Seriously, Dakota must have been taking lessons on how to affect a cuntish demeanour before camera because I’ve never known anyone apart from the afore-mentioned Keira put so much effort into looking annoyed whilst being so fawned over. Or am I just being too cynical? Whatever.

Oh and apparently darling Dakota is playing a Leukaemia victim in this particular film, which is a strange turn of events because it wasn’t that long ago (okay four years) that she blew her chance at playing a cancer-stricken youngster in the film My Sister’s Keeper by citing her unwillingness to hack off her purdy golden locks for the role. But she’s older and wiser now. And she’s learned from her mistakes. And she hasn’t been relevant in the movie business since shattering the ear drums of everyone who sat through War of the Worlds back in ‘05. But it’s Dakota and her eye-lasers could melt lead so it’s okay.

Some Rich People Got Spliced. Also, Matthew McConaughey Looks Fucking Ugly Side-On.

The first pictures have surfaced of Matthew McConaughey and his baby-mama Camila Alves’ wedding, which took place in Texas last Saturday. Naturally, the ceremony was a very sombre and private affair and was conducted with the utmost sanctity and respect for…aw, who the hell am I kidding? The only reason these two whores got hitched was to cash-in on all the dough that was doubtless offered for those exclusive wedding day pics. Alas, despite their best efforts to appear otherwise, McConaughey and his ho are no less grasping than every other celeb couple on Earth. Mind you, they did make a good fist at attempting to hide their rampant venality, as evidenced by this little nugget spewed forth by Mr. McConaughey regarding his recent nuptials:

It's a union between ourselves and God. A covenant for us, our children and the world.

How touching. And vaguely patronising. Faux-profundity aside, I’m sure Mattie and his new missus will enjoy many years of happy and scandal-free marri – I’m sorry; my fingers tried to complete that sentence but the words “I just hope the doofus got an iron-clad pre-nup” kept pounding in my brain. Oh well.

Also, Matthew McConaughey looks fucking ugly side-on.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Likes Gluing Shiny Things Onto Her Twat.

Thespian-extraordinaire Jennifer Love Hewitt dropped into Conan recently and decided to convey to the world her deep-seated love of “vajazzling,” the inexplicably popular practice of adhering rhinestone-like sparkles to one’s vaginal area. The erstwhile Ghost Whisperer star explained her new found passion for genital decoration, declaring:

It makes you feel saucy, and I don't know, it's kind of fun to walk around and just think that nobody has any idea how shiny it is down there! It works, and it gets a reaction…It's really for the girl to do for herself.

So there you have it: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s fashion sensibilities are on a par with any number of common, orange-skinned bar skanks with low self-esteem and a lust for attention that would make a Kardashian flee to the nearest convent in shame. Yes, nothing says "class" like a bejeweled snatch. Nothing says "desperation" like it either, but since Jennifer’s been reduced to playing a slutty massage therapist on some tawdry Lifetime show, that word has probably lost all meaning for her. 

Reality Skank Becomes Engaged, Remains Pointless and Not Particularly Attractive.

One-time Hills twit Stephanie Pratt has gone and gotten herself engaged to some dude who may or may not be called David Osokow. The useless bitch was partying in Vegas on New Year’s Eve with fellow Hills dildo Lauren Conrad when the afore-mentioned Osokow produced a ring and popped the question. Judging by her immediate reaction, Ms. Pratt was apparently caught unawares by the proposal. Twitteth the airhead:  

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I am still in shock!!”

I wish David all the best in his new role as Spencer Pratt’s brother-in-law. Can you even fucking imagine?

Prehistoric She-Hag Cavorts With Human Males.

Late last night, somewhere in the dark valley of Sepreh, the High Priest of Umam-Shii gathered together his minions to recite the ancient incantation of Desu-Xapmat, which summoned forth an odious creature from the lair of sex-tapes and moth-eaten bathing suits so that it may stalk the Earth in human form. Seconds later, deep in the American west, a washed-up TV has-been was seen to materialize into a Las Vegas nightclub, where it immediately began downing Smirnoff by the bottle and dry humping anything that came within range of its foul, hep-ridden carcass. Then, leaving countless bodies in its crab-laden wake, the creature returned from whence it had come; the overpowering stench from between its legs being the only sign that it had ever walked amongst us…

Fat-Assed Slag is High-Priced Attention Whore.

Some Las Vegas joint named Tao (I guess Wuji and Neidan were already taken) forked out a reported $600 grand to have the wretched Kim Kardashian and her gargantuan rear-end turn up and exist for a couple of hours at their New Year’s Eve shindig. Way to take up space there, Kim! I've never seen something convert oxygen into carbon dioxide with such talent and precision before. YOU GO GIRL!!!

From the looks of the above picture, Kim even had her chin specially sharpened for the event. And that smug grin she’s sporting speaks for itself - she’s not smiling because some club paid her a shitload of money to stand around looking gormless for the gratification of the drooling masses; she’s smiling at her own craftiness in hoodwinking said bottom-feeders into believing that she is anything other than a worthless, fame-craving slut with an ass the size of Mount Fuji. Also, that’s some nice cleavage you’ve got there Kim, but it’s the other cheeks they’ve come to see. You know, the ones that surround that hole you speak out of.