Nobody Thinks She’s Somebody.

British ‘X Factor’ judge and air-rage aficionado Tulisa Contostavlos has denied acting like a rampant diva bitch on board a recent British Airways flight from London to the Balearic Islands. The N-Dubz singer was reported to have sworn at an air steward who had the temerity to ask that she not use her phone onboard the aircraft since it posed a risk to passenger safety. Tulisa denies this ever happened and has taken to her Twitter account to defend her reputation and insist that she “categorically did not swear” at any of the cabin crew, even going as far as to pin the blame for the ruckus on a member of her own entourage: 

My PA (personal assistant) had a disagreement with staff over his mobile phone but I categorically did not swear at the steward. I'm disgusted that some one would make this up about me!

Aww. The poor misunderstood little lamb. Stories like this don’t just fall out of the sky and this Tulisa person is nowhere near a big enough deal for anyone to be bothered making up something this headline-grabbing, so I completely believe the reports about her disgraceful behaviour and disgusting attitude. As such, I have composed the following piece of advice for Tulisa should she remain in any doubt as to the true nature of her new found notoriety:

Dear Tulisa, 

The right to behave like a spoiled, entitled little twerp on public transport is reserved solely for those who have made an actual, long-standing contribution to the cultural zeitgeist. Uppity little skanks who fake rap their way to the ass-end of the charts and wind up as some no-name judge on a fading TV talent show simply don’t fit the above criterion for permissible asshattery, so don’t even bother with the I'm so important because I'm on TV act, okay? Your fifteen minutes will be mercifully fleeting; don't cheat yourself out of the remaining ten by cunting-it-up in public and showcasing your real, assholish self for all the world to see.  

Regards, 

The Gossip Slut.

Oh, and P.S. The whole blaming your assistant thing? Priceless! That’ll come in very handy when he dumps your talentless ass and there’s nobody around to help you pick up the pieces when the inevitable booze and cocaine scandals begin oozing from the tabloids. 

Wanky little twat.